Realizing Our Plan

I want the best for my kids. I want them to be happy and healthy. I want them to be spiritually strong and walk uprightly before their peers. But, I also need them to fail a little. I need them to cry a little. I need them to make a few mistakes. I have to let them cry a little, scream a little, and learn a lot for themselves. In this world, I cannot shelter or protect them like I wish I could. I don't want to spend all my time worrying. I want to spend my time seeking joy and finding happiness in my time with them. I will never stop worrying but I believe the trick is to pray for strength so the worry can be tethered to the Lord.  Lately I have been particularly consumed with trying to decide what is best for them in the educational sphere of life. I have been up and down in my mind and all over the Internet reading blogs and grasping the idea and pathways of homeschooling. Last year, my husband came home talking about education vs the world. And that is literally where it all started. We talked about homeschooling and tears just filled my eyes. I became overwhelmed with the truthfulness I was feeling and how big of a task homeschooling would put on my shoulders. I felt like someone took a pin to my balloon and all the air blew out in an instant. And from that moment, I began my search to answer the question about homeschooling.

 Answers come in different ways. Sometimes we expect an answer, and then feel prompted to change, or we feel blocked and held back from a particular choice. Other times we might have a moment of clarity and an answer is so clear that we wonder how we didn't see it there all along. And still other times we receive no answer at all. I've found that no answer at all can be agonizing. I often want Heavenly Father to point out the best path among the good and better paths. I want Him to say, "Heather, go right and all will be well." But the reality is Father in Heaven wants me to learn. He wants me to exercise my agency. He wants me to study it out and seek answers. He knows simply telling me which direction to go will not allow me or our family to grow. I have been praying and pondering my kids educational plans. I have researched and read. I have chatted with people from both viewpoints. I have wanted to scream in my pillow and cry at the same time. I have felt like I was spinning in circles until recently when I randomly decided to map out my kids ages to see how they correlated with school years. We have 4 young kids who are close in age and my brain has a hard time computing any given school year quickly, so I thought it would help to write it all down so I could visually 'see' and reference it if needed. I had big realizations while creating this reference, so here is a glance at what I saw: 

I continued on until the year 2026-2027 before my heart let my brain know it couldn't go any further. 

A quick look at my reference will tell you my first realization is in 5 short years (I am counting the current year) all of my kids will be (or could be) attending elementary. I cried as I stared at that year, and then as the tears faded I thought what would or will I do? And then it occurred to me. It's not what will I do, but what could I do! When it comes to my family they always come first. I love spending my time with them and I know what a huge blessing it is for me to be able to stay home with our kids. I wouldn't trade or change anything, but in this one minute I thought of the things I could do. I thought of the things that I want to do and that year didn't seem so terrible anymore. Somewhere inside me I think I might need that year however emotional that year will be. From there, I started thinking about money. I asked Michael when we are planning to have our debts paid assuming we stay on budget and life throws only a couple curve balls... And at best the answer is 5 years. Are the stars aligning or is 5 just a magic number for my reference guide? 

This 5 year mark in time is precisely where Michael would like us to consider homeschooling.  His plan would be to send them to the elementary and then homeschool them through middle school (if we feel led to do so) and then determine what is best for high school. This plan sounds easier and less stressful because our kids learn all the basics and we wouldn't be starting at the basics at home. But from the beginning, I resisted that plan. For as overwhelming as homeschooling was, and as much anxiety it brought out in my being I wouldn't listen to his plan. I felt like he saw me break down when we first discussed it and on some level he thought his plan was best because of how torn I was about the whole thing. I felt like he saw me vulnerable and saw I thought myself inadequate. Instead of buoying my spirits, he fixes it with a plan that makes the most sense; while I drown further and further down. I go so far down that I can't stop thinking about homeschooling. Over the course of months I busy myself with research and weighing pros/cons. My idea is pick the best path and go down it. If homeschooling is the best for middle school, why wouldn't it be the best for elementary?  I have searched, pondered, prayed, and have exhausted my husbands ears. I have a plan marked out. I currently have my kids enrolled in elementary and a homeschooling enrichment program. I'm literally standing in both pathways. As I'm in the middle of creating this reference chart I realize I am okay with homeschooling. Where I once felt overwhelmed and grieved, I now feel at peace. I could and can do it. My balloon had somehow been gaining air again and I hadn't noticed. This realization is huge! I had no idea that a weight had already been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not scared or overwhelmed anymore- I'm not even asking "can we do it?" Along the way of searching, I started asking "should we do it?" and "When should we do it?" It might seem like a small difference but it really is more like the size of the Mississippi River kind of difference to me.

 I feel like I'm not drowning anymore! As I continued making my age reference guide, I started thinking about the "young years" of our kids life because there they are laid out for me to view.  I think how amazing it could be to not have time robbed from us while they are at school, a place that I find I'm continuously disagreeing and/or unsatisfied. I think of the time I have and how I spend it. I start thinking the real reason I would homeschool is for the lifestyle. And that is what it boils down to in the end, but it also occurs to me as I was looking at the age references that I am not spending my time correctly in the morning and afternoons. I ended up being so caught up in how to make our life at home better with the idea of homeschooling, and it finally occurs to me how I can manage the time I have. The idea to improve the time I have entered my mind with such a strong force. What have I been doing to make the things I have been complaining about better? I haven't really- I've just been complaining. But this last realization has made me rethink are daily routine and I believe we can do better to maximize our afternoons after school. 

I'm sure it is obvious I love a good, solid plan just as much as the next person. Over the years, I have learned to plan accordingly but not to be emotional if the outcome doesn't go my way. I may not be 100% without emotion when that happens, but I have matured.

We have decided to let our new kindergartener try out public school in June. In our area the schools host "summer school" during the month of the June. I think it is a great way for Kindergarteners (especially ones like my mine who still take naps,etc and haven't been in any all day preschool or enrichment programs) to get a feel for the upcoming year. I think it will give me a chance to see how she will do and what she thinks about the school experience.

I believe I went through this process to get me to where I am right now which is firm in the idea that we can do whatever our kids need. I no longer feel plagued by indecision even though I don't have a firm decision yet. I feel at peace. I believe homeschooling may be in our future although I am not sure exactly when, but I now know that we can do it. I am mentally and spiritually prepared and maybe, just maybe that is where Heavenly Father has wanted me to be. I firmly believe in my kids. I believe in our family. And in spite of the rapidly decaying "world" I have faith-- we may fall but we will have enough strength to pull ourselves back up... or out of the public system if we the need should arise. 

This picture rings true to me. The education system is not amazing, in fact there are so many flaws that it can seem comical at times. But, I'm grateful that our elementary is a great one! I am grateful that thus far we have had great experiences there. It's literally down the street, within walking distance and I have always been impressed with the office staff, teachers, and principal. They know my kids by name and they know me. As of this moment we are leaning more to the 5 year plan which involves our kids going to public school and then take them out for home education after their 5th grade year. Here's to hoping my kids are monkeys and they climb the tree with no problems! If they turn out to be fishes asked to climb trees (or if anything should occur), that's ok because I no longer fear or feel anxiety about home education.  

Life is full of decisions and it is so hard to be a parent making decisions on your kids behalf. I feel blessed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life as an anchor and guide. I feel blessed to have my husband, my family and to live where we live! We have made many friends and I find myself ever grateful for their trust, help, and friendships. 

Homeschooling who, why, what, when, and where?

The who, why, what, when, and where of our homeschooling choices. I've been tossing ideas around in my head and I've been researching in my spare moments like a mad woman on fire with curiousity. (I think I may have even burnt out my husband!)

The who is obvious- it may even be boarding on redundant to explain the who involved is our family, but one aspect worth mentioning here is that I did not say my kids or myself and the kids. I said our family. I will be the one overseeing the daily morning portions and most afternoons. I will be the one to make the final curriculum decisions and the one to guide my kids through those decisions, but I will not be alone. One of my most favorite qualities in my husband and in our marriage is that we are a team- we work together in everything. Whether we decide to pursue homeschooling now, later, or not at all I know my husband is not only supportive but a willing participate in whatever is best for our family. So, the who is my support system. 

The why is an excellent (and potentially huge) topic, but I believe I have narrowed my why into one word: lifestyle. I am most interested in homeschooling for the lifestyle. I think the free ability to learn and grow at each childs own pace is fantastic and we (my husband and I) can be involved in the process. The elementary school day in our area begins at 9 and ends at 4pm. By the time my kids get home it is usually 4:30pm. We need to eat dinner, do homework if needed, find time to be together to talk and see how the day went, baths, chores, and some days add an extra curricular activity like dance or gymnastics in there as well. That's hard especially given that small window of opportunity before it is bedtime. At one point our oldest was involved in karate. He loved it and was very good at it- but after awhile there were days that he just wanted to stay home and relax because he was tired or he really wanted to just be home. We were busy busy busy, and it was taking a toll on us all even though we all enjoy being active and involved in fun activities. I am not saying it is not possible. It totally is, but we learned that we needed to have boundaries and know when we were stretched too far. A part of me wonders how it would feel to be able to let our kids have activities during the afternoon or even in the morning? Wouldn't it be just dreamy to be done with schoolwork and then take them to karate or gymnastics for an early afternoon class? We wouldn't be pushed for time and that woman in me who hates to feel rushed thinks she'd love that! Vacations would be open anytime of the year and I wouldn't ever have an absurd truancy letter in my mailbox. Like I explained in my first post on this subject, I have no big issues with public school besides the common ones but those don't cause me to be againest public schools. The only one I have with our elementary is the long school day.

The what is the method or style of homeschool and the cirriculum we choose. (I have another post about this gem of a topic in my head ready to go)

The when is as of yet unanswered. ---Now, later, or not at all--- My head wants to implode most days bc if anything I hate an unanswered question! 

The where... Ah.. at home? Public school? Throw me a new bone because if I don't stop chewing on this one soon I'll go crazy. ;) 

Big Decisions Never Come Easy

There are a few decisions that we make in life which can be considered life altering. My top two decisions that have made a lasting impact have been who I married and in what church/religion I belong. Those two decisions altered my life. I chose my eternal companion- yes, I did say eternal. I believe in an eternal marriage and family. And that in itself is a whole different subject, one that touches on my religious beliefs which is yet again another topic worthy of a post. These decisions have shaped my world. I stand firm on the ground that I have chosen. Each time a choice whether big or small has to be made I find prayer to be my best hope in finding a final answer after I have done all that I can do to find one for myself. I truly believe finding an answer and then going to the Lord to seek validation to continue on or perhaps His desire for me to go back to the drawing board has been a pathway that works. Of course there have been times when I get neither a validation nor a feeling to change my opinion. In those extremely confusing moments I believe the Lord to be saying, "Both are good decisions so use your agency and trust yourself." In the decisions of what church to join or who to marry, I had very clear answers. Those clear answers didn't make the path easy, but it did serve to strengthen my resolve. Now, having said all that.. What new decision could I possibly be getting to? Homeschooling.

Life can be ironic in the way it changes us. Our tiny moments become the pathway to our biggest experiences. Experience is a form that takes shape in who we become. I experience love and compassion, I then desire to share that love and compassion. I experience a hardship, I then learn from that hardship a lesson or recieve a scar. Lesson or scar still shape me. 

If anyone had asked my opinion on homeschooling a couple years ago I would have said that I did not believe it was a good idea. I would have asked where else would a child get the social experience of learning and problem solving with peers? I would have wondered what makes a parent think they could know better about education than a teacher who is trained and educated for that very purpose. Inwardly I would have thought but never said aloud how homeschooled kids are just plain weird. The notion that homeschooled children are awkward in social situations and have a poorer education because for another underlying reason they couldn't attend regular school is something I grew up thinking. Most of those kids from the generation I am referring were homeschooled for religious reasons, and yet I always thought that idea was odd since I was and have always been a Christian.  

The fact is homeschooling has changed. The public school system has changed. I have changed. 

We no longer live in the Industrial Age. Our world is now in a technological age full of ideas, creativity, and change. Any information we desire to know is at our fingertips in seconds. We are connected to each other in ways that hardly anyone could have imagined twenty years ago.   Our voices and opinions are loud and can easily be heard through social media and other platforms. Sure, there is of course a downside to all this technology especially when we bring schooling into the topic, but rather lets venture into the upside. Our children are computer savvy. Soon we could very well live in a world where hard copies of books are scarce. The ease of having mutilple books on my iPad is obvious as well as the potential for educational advance through online programs or through apps. It is the way our future is taking shape. What does this have to do with the change in public school or the rise and changing opinion of homeschooling? It changes the way we access information. It opens the door for parents to use that information just as a teacher. The notion that homeschooled kids aren't as smart or are behind acdemically as a public educated kid is just no longer true. Parents have a whole new world of school curriculum, information, and options to sort through. In fact there is so much it is overwhelming.

The freedom of education in the traditional school setting has been steadily changing. Common core is the new cure all answer to a national call for higher education. It is our governments way of nationalizing the school system meaning if a child moves across the country that child will be held to same standards in whichever state because common core (in theory) is the way to cut across the board to make sure each child is being educated. It doesn't sound bad and honestly I don't think it is the evil many make the curriculum out to be. I am however opposed to government control and I believe the states should govern their education. I can't support a nationalized education system especially when those standards come with standardized testing that is directly linked to funding. Money is always the noose that holds sway and I hate that our public schools have that hanging over them. Our good teachers are evaluated in absurd ways which put their jobs on the line and add stress the teaching environment. No longer can a teacher be a teacher of free will and advocate for their students on an individual level or for their class as a whole. Now we gear up and stress over a standardized test for weeks and for what? Funding. One might say it is for us to see where our children size up next to other schools or states, and yes the data is used for that, but a good portion goes to funding. It all ends in money. And, I cannot stand the thought of my children being standardized testing projects or a head in the count for funding.  

This is one huge thing that yes probably isn't damaging to my kids. Mine don't have any special needs or learning disabilities. I don't have any worries about them succeeding. But I am wondering about what kind of environment I would like them to succeed in. 

Thus far in their life my kids are pretty social meaning they display appropriate behavior in a social setting and can speak to adults and kids alike. I think there is a big misunderstanding between the questions of how a homeschooler gets social practice and how a homeschooler socializes among his peers. Both are different topics and both are needed.

 When my oldest started kindergarten, he was more shy at the beginning of the school year. My husband and I decided to put him in karate which we believe did more to alleviate the shyness than being in a school setting. I do not contribute that particular growth to public school. In karate he had to raise his voice and communicate with others in respectful way that is expected among those taking karate. It took him out of his comfort zone in a wholly different way. Now, I will not be so stubborn as to say that his kindergarten class didn't help him thrive socially (meaning in behavior and ettiquette). I believe karate served as a major enhancer for a child who was not incapable from the beginning to thrive in that kind of environment. Meaning he would have been fine with or without karate; my point however, is socially there was another outlet that provided a source of growth. Social growth is something I now believe can happen not only at school, but in the real world on a daily basis. 

Social interaction or being social among peers is the meat among the potatoes I am currently picking at when I think about homeschool. 

My kids enjoy being around their friends, what kid doesn't? Grade school is this unique environment where every year there is a new class of about 20 classmates pulled together. It is random and the enrichment of diversity is a great way for kids to be introduced to others unlike themselves. This is also where life gets tricky. We raise our children with morals and we expect a certain standard to be maintained within our homes so when they go out into the world, they will carry with them a core moral and value system. A system in which we as parents hope they'll use when faced with peer pressure or differences of opinion. 

If I thought my middle school peer group were mean or my high school peer group were highly immoral, I am 110% sure that the environment of my kid's middle and high schools have spiraled just as drastically over the past 10 years as it changed from when my parents were in grade school. And here is the irony of my opinion that stands for and against homeschooling in terms of leaning to be social among peers. Some say I want to shelter my kids from the public school peers due to decaying morals and peer pressure that is and has always been ever present. Those who homeschool for this reason have always baffled me. My opinion is that I cannot change the environment of the schools- the world is decaying. But I cannot shelter my kids from that either because it is impossible to escape the world no matter if they are at home or public school, so why try? Yes, I can make my home a shelter from that world, but my kids will go out in that world whether they learn to do so earlier or later. I can understand wanting to protect your kids. I want to protect mine, but I also want them to have experiences. I want them to stand on a firm foundation against the world. Where else can they test their moral and value system about peer pressure, of consequences and of good choices? I was reading an article about this very topic when a thought crossed my mind and it has been ever present since. "Yes, it is important for kids to grow socially among their peers, but what kind of environment are those peers in? What kind of environment would I choose for myself?" I learned lessons the hard way in middle and high school. The hard way with little to no parental guidance by the way of discussing moral matters or peer pressure in detail. I didn't talk much to my parents about those matters or the details of my day- not because I couldn't, but because I wasn't comfortable or it didn't occur to me to include them. I don't want that for my kids. I want our home to be a shelter and I want them to see myself and their Dad as an ever present source for them to talk. Someone asks, "if you could choose the best environment for yours kids, would you?" Of course, I would want to choose the best, but what is the best? 

 I have learned what I value in life. One of those values is time spent well with my family. Moments pass quickly and they are precious. It is not only those moments but what we experience in those moments. And not only the experiences we gain, but what we take and share from them.  

Homeschool is a good decision. Public school is a good decision. What is the best decision for us? 

This has been a generalized idea of my personal opinions and thoughts. So, here is a general summary of pros/cons (I plan to splatter and ramble with a less generalized post later) :

•Homeschooling will be expensive, but I will be with my kids for longer than a few hours at the end of each day. 

•Social behavior is something I am not worried about as that seems to come naturally for each of kids and can be improved upon in many ways.

•Social interaction can come by maintaining church friendships, cultivating new ones through extra curricular activities, or enrichment groups. 

•Our public school day runs late. Homeschool would mean they could experience extra cirricular activities during the day- not only in the evening hours. (Did I mention how homeschool would be more expensive? Here is one reason why, but is that such a bad thing?)

•They can be free to achieve with no grade limits academically. How much further can an individual go if he is not limited by the learning ability of a whole class? Flip the coin the other way and one can say how much more help can I offer a struggling individual who quite possibly gets overlooked among a class?

•Vacations and field trip become an option at any point in the year. No more attendance issues is always a plus. 

* My main concern is in my ability and my resolve to be able to give my kids everything they would need. I will leave those juicy details for another post. 

•Public schooling relieves the stress or building concerns that I can find in my abilities as a home educator. 

•Public school gives my kids a dangerous yet continual social interaction leaning environment. They will find themselves tested spitirtualy probably more than at any other place of learning. This can be both good and both- both constructive and frightfully deconstructive.

•Less expensive 

•We can still fit in extra curricular activities except we need to be aware of our time and spend it correctly throughout the week. There is family time, home work, dinner, chores, and extra curricular? I suppose that is what Saturday is for? 

The only thing I know for sure is that I am not against public school and I'm not not against homeschool.  I wish the Lord would cut a clear path, but each time I pray- I find myself thinking that both are good options. Find the one best for our family.  

If there is anyone who has read this far, I can only say stay tuned for more rambling posts because I have many more thoughts and I don't have an answer yet. 

Long Hair Don't Care... or maybe not?

I have always worn my hair short.

I am one of those women who cannot stand to have hair laying on my shoulders- it must be above or below shoulder length.

When I lived in MS I always knew which stylist to see.  I was never a guinea pig- meaning I never tried a stylist first.  My mom always did that for me.  She would go and try someone- be the guinea pig- and if it turned out dazzling, I would then go. Perfect set up, right?

Well, I moved away from MS. It took me an extremely long time to find someone to cut my hair once I moved to Utah.  So long in fact that my hair grew past my shoulders! I pushed through the annoying period of growth because:

A. we had just moved and I was short on time and babysitters
B. It was up to ME to find a new stylist

I finally did research and after a year (I know, crazy...) I found a girl to cut my hair. I braved the guinea pig moment and got my hair cut! It wasn't so bad, she did a great job! Success!!

Then... I moved again. Except this time I only moved an hour away. But, that was still an hour away, so I found myself needing to find another stylist. Yes, it took another year for me to research and find another. I had success again and enjoyed my experience at this darling place in Provo, Utah.

And as the story goes, you guessed it.... I moved again shortly after. Now, we live in Missouri and it has been nearly 2 years since I have gotten a hair cut! ("holy moly!" ...I know that's what you are thinking!)  My hair is the longest it has ever been.

Let me take a moment and say that within these past 2 years I have gotten it trimmed! I went back home almost 6 months ago, and during my time there I saw my awesome long-time high school friend who gave me a TRIM.

Now- I have never been to a stylist for a TRIM. Ever. I am brave and bold. I get my hair CUT- usually chopped off because I do not like my hair to rest on shoulders.

What has happened?

I have long-hair-loss anxiety.  You know those girls who refuse and even balk at the very thought of getting their long locks cut off? You know those girls who are just plain scared to take the short hair plunge? They are so annoying...

I have never understood those crazies.
Those crazy girls.... to them I used to say, "I don't get it.  Just do it!"

Now, I know.
Now, I understand.
I have long hair now....

I have discovered how fun it is to have long hair! I can have those long curls, I can throw it up in a pony tail, I can check our weird braid tutorials and experiment, etc.

 There is this tiny part of me that says, "but Heather, remember your short hair? Remember how much you loved it? Be brave! Be Bold!"

Those thoughts lead me to searching for a stylist who knows her stuff--- I need one that can chop my hair off and dazzle me with her skills! Then BAM! long-hair-loss anxiety sets in!

I can't cut it off. Look how long it is? Will I miss it? Will I ever grow it out again? It took so much work to get it this way. I can't do it. AH! I'm having a near panic attack!

Hello crazies, I am now one of you now. Help?

I finally found my "thing"!

Welcome to my new blog! 

A Magnolia Mom!

Many people have "things" such as lady bugs, lipstick, shoes, animal print, frogs, owls, or bees (just to name a few) that they identify with or tattoo upon themselves. I've never had that. My email has always been "Heatherm" or "hmm". I've never bought a cutesy keychain or whatever items people buy to show off their unique "thing" which is totally fine, right? I've always thought so, but I still longed for a "thing". 

I've even tried some "things"... When I was younger I thought seashells might be fun. We went to the beach every summer and I figured that qualified as a good reason to make seashells my "thing". I bought decorative shells and put them in my room. I had a shell wind chime and one of those huge shells you put your ear against so as to hear the sound of the ocean. It didn't stick. I never felt attached to sea shells and after a few months I wanted them out of my room.

It has taken nearly 26 years, but I am happy to announce that I finally figured out my "thing"! 

Magnolias. 

The ironic part is magnolias have always been my "thing", I just never realized.  I even have an awesome supporting story as well as true love for the southern magnolia flower. 

When I was about 6 (I'm assuming bc I was young but old enough to ride a bike) we lived in a blue house in Jackson, MS. Across the street lived our neighbors who I remember as younger odd men who played drums- I was quite frankly scared of them but I absolutely loved the giant tree in their front yard. It had big beautiful flowers that smelled divine. One smell, and I was hooked. You guessed it, it was a magnolia tree. 

I would sneak over and climb that tree often. The best flower blooms were always at the top! Id climb as high as needed to snag the biggest, best smellin' flower. 

Years have passed, and I no longer live where beautiful southern magnolia trees are found every few miles or so. I never knew until I moved away how much those trees were apart of me. 

Every time we go home, the welcoming site of magnolias appear like bright beacons. They are what I unkowingly overlooked all my life and something I sorely missed once I left MS.

I will even fess up... I may still snag magnolias when I go home. In fact, that is how I came to my realization and decided to finally claim my "thing".  This past trip, I couldn't help myself from tip-toeing like a stealth ninja up to one of those trees.  I grabbed a magnolia in full bloom and high tailed it back to the car like I was robbing a bank! The car filled with the sweet distinct smell of a southern magnolia! I looked at that flower with such excitement and wonder realizing at that moment magnolias were my "thing".

Now, why the blog? There are so many times that I want to vent or talk about something I don't necessarily want on our family blog. I also love crafting, sewing, and cake decorating. I figure I can use this blog for those reasons and see what comes of it. This season of my life is built around 4 young kiddos whom I love and cherish, and they take up most of my extra time.  This blog might be used as my outlet or possibly a portfolio of daily stress rants and monthly crafts. The sky is the limit- at least for now I have my "thing".

It took a long time to figure it out, but better late than never!

Do YOU have a "thing"?